Whenever Hunter and I were struggling in our first year I started writing in a journal. I wanted to be able to look back and see how things were changing day by day. I would write about how our day was, something good that happened, something bad that happened or sometimes just a simple prayer to God. The thought of starting a blog one day had been laid on my heart, but I thought there is no way I can do this. Who would ever read something I wrote and who I am to create something that others might look to for advice? Thoughts of doubt and insecurity began to rise, so I quickly pushed the thought aside.
After a year had passed since my marriage’s breaking point, I reflected on the day a lot and how far we had grown. Closer to God, individually and each other. It was simply amazing and humbling to be able to look back on. I spent the day reading through my journal I had started, listening to my Jesus music all while crying happy tears. Although it was hard, I was beyond thankful for the journey we had went through.
That day, the thought of a blog came back out of the place in my mind and heart where I had pushed it away so far and this time it stayed. I tried to shake it out but after a week, I knew the thoughts and feelings weren’t going away for a reason. I began to research blogs and how to even start one. I knew I would be (finally!) done with college at the end of the semester and I knew I would have more free time in the coming months.
I began writing things here and there, deleting the things I had wrote and rewriting them over and over again. I thought to myself, how does anyone do this? I am way to much of a perfectionist to ever post something online for people to read. I took a break on the writing because I was putting an enormous amount of pressure on myself and it was stressing me out between work, school and now this too. I focused on creating a website, which was the easy part and I prayed in the meantime that if this is something God really wanted me to do, he would give me the strength and courage to do so. I prayed that if I did this, he would help me with my words and that I would help spread his name and his goodness.
I have a verse of the day app on my phone that gives me a new verse every day at 11am on the dot. Within one week these were the verses that popped up:
“Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” – Exodus 4:12
“But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.” 2 Chronicles 15:7
“You must speak my words to them, whether they listen or fail to listen, for they are rebellious.” Ezekiel 2:7
“But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witness in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” Acts 1:8
“Whoever acknowledges me before others, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven.” Matthew 10:32
Talk about a major conviction! I knew I needed to give this blogging thing a chance. I had recently read a few lines from a book that my women’s small group was reading that had really stuck out to me. Ruthie Delk wrote in her book Craving Grace, “The truth can transform you as much as a lie can destroy you. Only truth can silence the lies”.
I knew if I silenced the lies that I told myself, that I wasn’t good enough, that what I had to say didn’t matter and that God couldn’t use me because my life wasn’t all that together but instead believed in the truth, I could do this. His truth that he gives us our strength, courage and wisdom. His truth that we are worthy, we are enough, we are loved, we are redeemed, we are forgiven, and we are his.
The truth of God and who we are to him can transform the way we think and how we see ourselves. He knows our name, he knows our heart and he will always be with us.
Just like one of my favorite Francesca Battistelli song sings,
“Somebody less than perfect
I wouldn’t choose me first if I was looking for a champion
In fact I’d understand if
You picked everyone before me
But that’s just not my story
True to who You are
You saw my heart
Something out of nothing
I don’t need my name in lights
I’m famous in my Father’s eyes
Make no mistake
He knows my name
I’m not living for applause
I’m already so adored
It’s all His stage
He knows my name”